Thursday, April 21, 2011

Dear Losing Myself



Dear Losing Myself,

I am ready to admit that you are my biggest fear. In the past, I have been easily manipulated and intimidated. I have lived in shame and subjugation. I have believed your lies about not being good enough, smart enough, and tough enough the way I am. Believing your lies has made me surrender my self worth. I need to be proud of who I am, and be willing to fight to stay true to myself. Every step I make with confidence takes more of your power away.

I am enough. Just the way I am.
I am strong and brave, and I always have been
I can be assertive and still be respectful
I can set boundaries to protect my heart
I am not other people, I am me
and
I love who I am

I have my own way of looking at things, and my own way of expressing myself. I have always been unique, and I cannot masquerade successfully as an ordinary person. I'm going to stand out, I'm going to have strong opinions, and I am going to make some waves.

I am spontaneous, disorganized, easily overwhelmed, and unpredictable. I cannot be counted on to be stable for any length of time. I am not ashamed of those things about me, and they are not flaws, they are variations of personality. They don't need fixing to become the opposite.

I can be angry and stressed sometimes and not be afraid of being judged as out of control. I can be quiet and introspective and not be afraid of being judged as withdrawn. I can feel strong emotions of rage and sadness and not have an explanation for their origin. I can ask for a sounding board, and I can ask for comfort, and it not be required that I make sense. I need what I need. And it doesn't make me weak.

I have my own particular neuroses and phobias that are not stupid and that can be respected and validated. I have my own baggage.. It doesn't make me damaged and unworthy of love to admit that I have some that comes with me. I don't have to just get over my life experiences to make things easier on people, and when I am accepted for who I am, where I am, I will have the courage to face those hard things, to heal, and to grow.

I am a highly emotional person, and that's a good thing. Being less emotional is not better, it's just not who I am.

I am easily hurt, I am hypersensitive, things that bother me don't bother a lot of other people.. but that's how I am made. If I were less sensitive, I would lose my sense of empathy and compassion. I have lost them when I have shut down, and I have learned that they are an essential part of what makes me who I am. I love those things about me, that I see more and deeper than most. I love them because they make me different, and because my friends value those things about me.

I require substantive connection and depth of conversation with others, and that doesn't make me too intense for everyone. I don't have to hold back that intensity all the time, it's not always going to be more than people can handle. I am driven to be authentic, and I don't want to spend a lot of time with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am.

I don't have to become someone different because I am afraid of who I am, my real self, being rejected. Because who I am is how I have been designed. The design is not wrong. The design is not a mistake. I will not make excuses for why I have been made the way I am. I will not be ashamed of the person I have become.

So, fear of losing myself... let this serve as an eviction notice. If I love who I am, and am secure in the belief that I am loved for who I am, I will not ever be lost again.

You'd better start packing.




Prompt: write a formal letter to you or your character's greatest fear

Author's note: These are some real fears based on some real rejection, and speaking openly about personality traits I have that have been squashed, disrespected, made fun of, and insulted... it's pretty scary. But I was feeling brave again today.. I'm so grateful for the respect and gentleness that this community shows when I am vulnerable. I want you to know that I deeply appreciate the encouragement to write from my heart.
Posted by at
Labels: , , , , ,

38 comments:

  1. AmandaApril 22, 2011 at 1:04 AM

    One of the biggest encouragements in my life was reading letters like yours. It helped me realize that we all have our cross to bear and I shouldn't compare my insides with other people's outsides.

    ReplyDelete
  2. MamaRobinJApril 22, 2011 at 1:16 AM

    I read this and feel as though you have taken a giant step forward. More and more you embrace who you really are, and it comes through in your writing. Not only are you embracing the aspects of yourself that you know to be true, you are rejecting the implication that some of those parts are bad or need changing. You don't note that as one of your strengths, but it is.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AmandaApril 22, 2011 at 3:41 AM

    That was just awesome. And brave. And truly real. You should print it out and read it to yourself at least once a day as a mantra of truth. You are wonderfully made, don't forget it. On a side note, you are a magnificent writer. I really enjoy your writing style. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousApril 22, 2011 at 4:42 AM

    I love this letter because it is not only telling a fear to go away but it is giving yourself a list of ways you can embrace yourself. Love it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Galit BreenApril 22, 2011 at 4:46 AM

    Oh Frelle, I so admire how aware you are of your feelings and how openly you share them. This is not a strength of mine.

    Much of this flowed like poetry, especially the lines starting with "I am enough." That is a strong message that we all need to hear and believe.

    Thanks for sharing so very much of yourself!

    ReplyDelete
  6. snipcrank1April 22, 2011 at 5:48 AM

    I am so proud of you for not only embracing who you are, but accepting who you are :) Such a wonderful letter to have written.

    ReplyDelete
  7. AlisonApril 22, 2011 at 6:13 AM

    That was a great, honest, open post. I love the way you ended it, with conviction and positivity.
    Visiting from red writing hood, and I chose the same prompt :-)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Valerie BoersmaApril 22, 2011 at 6:35 AM

    Inspiring and courageous! This was my first RDC read for today and I loved it!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dana KApril 22, 2011 at 7:02 AM

    This is wonderful! It's also one of those crazy cosmic timing things, too. I have someone I love dearly who needs to read this & embrace it.

    "I need what I need. It doesn't make me weak."
    ^^^This is the truth 1000x over.

    Print this out & tape it to your mirror so you never forget it.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Random GirlApril 22, 2011 at 7:04 AM

    You don't need fixed. You don't need validated. You are what you are and that is enough. Great response to the prompt, very brave and honest.

    ReplyDelete
  11. KellyApril 22, 2011 at 7:16 AM

    I have buried myself for years, molded myself into what others around me wanted to see. It is hard to know who you really are when you have been a chameleon for so long. I wish I could have read your letter years ago. Wonderful.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Jenni Chiu @MommyNaniBooboo April 22, 2011 at 10:20 AM

    Yes! You brave tigress.
    I find you lovely.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sober JulieApril 22, 2011 at 10:35 AM

    I'm seeing a change in you lately and I dig it. Thank you for sharing inspiring words.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Pamela GoldApril 22, 2011 at 11:30 AM

    This is very moving. Your strength shines through each word. You're strong and getting stronger by the moment. Keep loving yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  15. ChibiApril 22, 2011 at 11:59 AM

    "I am enough. Just the way I am.
    I am strong and brave, and I always have been
    I can be assertive and still be respectful
    I can set boundaries to protect my heart
    I am not other people, I am me
    and
    I love who I am"

    Afreakingmen. Oh, Frelle. This is an awesome, amazing letter - I love it. SO much of it speaks to me. I needed to read this: thank you. <3

    ReplyDelete
  16. pamelaApril 22, 2011 at 12:04 PM

    Seriously amazing post and powerful letter.

    You're inspiring

    ReplyDelete
  17. AndreaApril 22, 2011 at 12:06 PM

    You ARE enough. And good for you for recognizing that!

    Well written, well expressed and beautifully said. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share it with us all.

    And that last line? Gave me some huge chills. I love it. "You'd better start packing." Perfection.

    ReplyDelete
  18. UnknownApril 22, 2011 at 12:35 PM

    this is spectacular. honest and raw and vulnerable and i love it!

    ReplyDelete
  19. ErinApril 22, 2011 at 12:41 PM

    Well done my dear! You seem very positive and assertive and in control!

    You are enough! And Bravo for throwing all this out there! I, for one, know how hard it is to throw the deepest part of yourself out there! Good for you!!!

    ReplyDelete
  20. JennaApril 22, 2011 at 1:16 PM

    Thank you all for your sweet words. I am on vacation, staying with my parents, and six states away from the drama and reality that try to keep me down. I am in a place where I feel safe, where I remember who I am, and spend time with people who love me for who I am. I am saving up strength and I will read and re-read this after I leave, reminding me what I look like when I am healthy and resilient.

    ReplyDelete
  21. VictoriaKPApril 22, 2011 at 4:41 PM

    This was so beautifully written. I could really relate to it. I can be very oversensitive myself and I try to remind myself that while this can be a weakness, it is very much a strength as well. Thank you for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  22. ReneeApril 22, 2011 at 5:37 PM

    Excellent! You are you. Be you. Be strong.
    I love this. You should make posters and frame them for sale. We all need this.

    ReplyDelete
  23. RathiApril 22, 2011 at 5:43 PM

    Now that is the sort of letter we all want to read at the beginning and the end of the day. Thank you for writing this letter and not skipping even a single point.

    ReplyDelete
  24. AnonymousApril 22, 2011 at 6:25 PM

    This is so brave! I love how you take on that fear and send it packing. And the writing is beautiful. Well done!

    ReplyDelete
  25. angelaApril 22, 2011 at 7:09 PM

    This is spectacular; you are so honest about yourself and your personality, and I love how you have embraced all aspects of yourself and the way they fit together to make up "you". Lovely.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Elizabeth :)April 22, 2011 at 8:23 PM

    You really can only be who you are. Glad to see your growing understanding and acceptance of that. Beautifully expressed. Hugs & Prayers, not sure what you'll be looking forward to in the next week...

    ReplyDelete
  27. CDG @ Move Over Mary Poppins!April 22, 2011 at 8:46 PM

    We probably all need a reread of this letter every once in a while.

    Powerful stuff.

    Thanks for sharing it with us.

    ReplyDelete
  28. AnonymousApril 23, 2011 at 3:34 AM

    That's fabulous..I love. cannot masquerade as an ordinary person,
    Chris

    ReplyDelete
  29. AnonymousApril 23, 2011 at 4:20 AM

    Your honesty inspires me! What a beautiful post!

    I love when you said that being less emotional isn't better -- because it ISN'T! It's just different.

    Keep being yourself!!!

    ReplyDelete
  30. KimberlyApril 23, 2011 at 5:54 AM

    Love this and you. This? I can so relate. You are incredibly inspiring. And you are good enough and you are worth it and you are a strong woman who won't back down. You're fighting and every night just before you go to bed ( even if it has been an awful day) you win. You win because you made it.
    Bravo woman. Bravo

    ReplyDelete
  31. TKWApril 23, 2011 at 7:05 AM

    Boy oh boy, did this one strike me straight through the heart. So true. So relevant.

    ReplyDelete
  32. TriplezmomApril 23, 2011 at 7:06 AM

    So beautiful and brave. I am saving this post to read again and again. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  33. TinaApril 24, 2011 at 7:43 PM

    These two lines are sitting with me now, and encouraging me: "I have my own particular neuroses and phobias that are not stupid and that can be respected and validated." And "I can be angry and stressed sometimes and not be afraid of being judged as out of control."

    Wow...that just blessed me.

    ReplyDelete
  34. JayneApril 25, 2011 at 2:54 PM

    Gorgeous and triumphant. <3

    ReplyDelete
  35. katsidheApril 26, 2011 at 8:37 AM

    This was a beautifully revealing piece, and one to which so many of us can relate. Brilliant post and I could not ever see you losing yourself when you know so well who you are, darlin'.

    ReplyDelete
  36. AnonymousApril 26, 2011 at 10:25 PM

    This is really incredibely and really touched " this realistic mind"

    ReplyDelete
  37. SherylApril 29, 2011 at 12:45 PM

    thanks for stopping by the perch today. so sorry to hear you are going through a divorce. if you ever want to email me please feel free (and i honestly mean that)

    dsmoerdyk@sbcglobal.net

    i love your writing. i love your honesty and letting people see YOU.

    ReplyDelete
  38. LailaSmith01May 2, 2011 at 1:10 AM

    Well said. Many of us can really relate. Hoping for more posts like this! I love your writing! keep it up! Dog Pens

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)