100 Word Challenge: Breath

Photo credit

Luca Dugaro

Caera slammed her keys down on the counter.

“I don’t know who the fuck he thinks he is.”,  she muttered to her empty apartment as she tossed  her coat over the kitchen chair and made her way to the living room. 

“Of all the asinine things.” Looking down at Liam’s text she throws her phone into the couch cushions. 

“You’re the one with the girlfriend, Liam. This thing, this whatever we have?  It’s always been there. But you’re the one that keeps running from it.” 

“But me wait for you to, what? Sow your wild oats? Don’t hold your breath. “

Song

I will wait

Mumford and Sons 

https://youtu.be/-OMfK-ECtKY

100 Word Challenge “Place”

Photo by ScienceInHD

Ceara leaned her lower back against the railing on the deck, fingers laced through her bangs. 

“I just had to call and tell you all this”, she lamented, “it’s just so fucking crazy.”

“Sure an it is,” reassured her sister,”but you’ll get through it like you always do, love.”

“I’m never going to date anyone, ever again. I’m going to go far away, by myself some remote place, and just live off the land. That way no one can break my heart except for me.”

I just cant do this anymore.. Liam O’Callaghan will be the death of me.”

Linking up with the 100 Words prompt by Velvet Verbosity 

Word:  Place

Song:

Where I’m Going - The Wild Reeds 

National Childhood Mental Health Awareness Day 2020

Today is National Childhood Mental Health Awareness Day. Children can and do struggle with mental illness.  The stories and statistics on divorce, child abuse,  poverty, and bullying are replete with examples of outward societal and cultural reasons why children might be struggling,  let alone chemical imbalances that might be at play.  Childhood mental illness is a real thing. I know because I struggled with it, and I’ve dealt with it as a parent to children with mental illness. 

I had a traumatic experience in late elementary school that, for a time, made me hyper sensitive and easily triggered.  I was briefly medicated with a placebo from my pediatrician, and my parents took my anxiety seriously after it began to affect my schoolwork.  Anxiety took a backseat to depression over the course of my adolescence, and anxiety and depression battled one another for dominance during my teenage years. 

I was a writer, so I wrote some angsty poetry and really long letters to my closest friends,  and I was involved in band and chorus. Those outlets provided me with camaraderie and validation, and a strange but reassuring sense of shared suffering, if I’m being honest.  Band and chorus kids don’t tend to have it easy, the jokes are not for nothing.  I’ve encouraged all my children to be involved in the arts precisely because it’s a tribe of people I felt safe with as I grew up, and I wanted the same for them. 

When my oldest daughter began to show signs of anxiety at a young age, it did not surprise me. I did the best I could to listen and be present, to validate and encourage her, but could not come to an agreement with her father on the subjects of therapy or medication. Middle school was incredibly difficult for her as a result, being very anxious as well as introverted. By the time she entered high school she was able to start therapy and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and prescribed medication.  She continues to live with mental illness and does a lot of reading and research. She is a great advocate for herself and others. 

When my third daughter began developing some serious anxiety at the onset of puberty, this also did not surprise me. I did the best I could to provide her a safe place to talk and i worked hard to validate her feelings and experiences. She was able to open up and talk to her friends, and has also been in therapy as a middle schooler. 

I asked my oldest daughter if she had any words of advice for parents when speaking with their kids about mental illness, or if their child wants to talk to them about having big scary feelings. She said, “As you’re parenting, be open about mental health. Do not make it taboo in your family because there is enough stigma from society, do not let it be a source of shame.  If your kid comes to you about self-harm or panic attacks or suicidal ideation, take it seriously but most of all, do not make it about you. It is probably not about you or your fault or whatever. “

My third daughter had this to say: “If you are having a discussion with your child about being sad or depressed or anxious, be aware that they may hum or pop their knuckles or look in many other ways as if they are not paying attention when in fact they are probably dissociating because they are really scared to be having this conversation. Struggling with mental illness often affects grades. If a child is having trouble mentally it is very likely that their grades will slip, not because they are stupid or irresponsible but because they’re having trouble being motivated to do the work because of their brain.” 

You know your child. And if they seem out of sorts, try to be as available as you can for them to feel safe talking to you. 

I hope that in reading about real people like us that have struggled with mental illness during childhood, your perspective has broadened. And for those who have themselves experienced mental illness in childhood, I hope you feel understood and validated. Your feelings are definitely valid, and your experience and it’s impact on your life should never be minimized. 

Thanks for reading. 

World Mental Health Day: Invisible Illness Doesn't Mean It's All In My Head

Today is World Mental Health Day. Yes it needs a day of increased awareness. Because too many people still think mental illness is something that should be hidden away in the attic and is something that only happens to other people.

I was first diagnosed with anxiety in 5th grade. I was 12.

I was not really taken seriously, I was actually given a placebo rather than actual medication, but it was the first time it was noticeable enough to investigate. Depression followed with the start of puberty. It has been a struggle for my whole life. Some of the people I love most in the world also live with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and other mental illnesses. 

Many people believe mental illnesses are "imaginary illnesses" for the entitled special snowflakes that aren't strong enough to cope with normal life. That anxiety and depression are easy to "positive mental attitude" your way out of. That how they feel is a choice, and "be happy" and "don't worry" should be easy, just flip a switch. There are others who think that anxiety and depression show a lack of trust in God, so not only are you weak, so is your faith, and God is not happy with you, either. 

Clearly these viewpoints are not helpful and they are also untrue. 





Statements like the above ring true for those of us with depression. "Everyone else" seems to have it all together and their life is easy. Meanwhile, we are struggling to function. Surviving. Not living. And we don't know what's wrong with us that makes living so hard. 

Having and admitting mental illness continues to be judged as weakness. It is not weak. It is really really F@*cking hard to pretend everything is fine when you were awake half the night contemplating how much better off everyone would be if you just didn't exist. It's exhausting to be flooded with adrenaline and cortisol all day every day because your brain chemistry affects your body chemistry, that fight or flight is a constant state of being and not just reserved for near miss car accidents.

My oldest daughter lives with anxiety and depression. She is chronically exhausted, her muscles ache from tension because of that constant state of being on alert. She has what I would consider classic panic attacks as well as that consistently keyed up state of existing. She has worked so hard to find ways of coping and has written both publicly and privately about her struggles. I'm very proud of her for her strength and courage and fighting spirit. She inspires me all the time. 

While it's true that there are situations that arise that will trigger my depression or anxiety, very often it is out of nowhere. My brain chemistry suddenly changes and thoughts wash over me

I will be having a perfectly normal Tuesday. Sun shining, work is not stressing me out, the kids are healthy, everything is good.  And then, BAM, a black hole opens up under me.  

The first time I saw this picture, it hit me straight in the gut, and its the one image that came to mind when I knew I wanted to write today.

It is quite possibly the most accurate visual I could give you. The person in the picture begins bleeding, and they don't know why.  It worsens, there are more cuts. They say "but I did everything right!" 

"So why am I bleeding out?  Why am I falling apart?  Nothing is even wrong!"

I'm fighting the negativity, I'm replacing lies my brain is telling me with positive thoughts. Im keeping toxic relationships from hurting me. Im eating right, im exercising, I'm getting rest and drinking water and avoiding alcohol, I'm doing self care...


SO WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??

My daughter Grace adds: Especially as a high school student, suffering from anxiety and depression this picture is oh so very poignant. Balancing schoolwork, college applications, a job, and leave some random room for family drama(my favorite!), and you may feel as if everything is falling apart--and you have no idea what to do. 

More often than not, throughout a regular school day, my anxiety will peak at least 3 times. Hyperventilation, intrusive thoughts, the whole shebang! 

This is not something that's pretty, or that should be romanticized. It's a real thing, that real people struggle with.

Both of us want to tell those of you reading this post who live with menttal illness: you are brave and amazing. You are courageous and we admire your tenacity. You're not being targeted by karma, you're not weak,  it's not happening because you don't deserve to be happy. Be gentle with yourself. Reach out to someone you know is safe if you feel up to it. Distract, read, listen to music, write, whatever works for you to hold on until your emotions stabilize again. 
 
We care about you. We are here for you. You are not alone. 

Thank you for reading.

remember me?

Just wanted to say HI again, I'm back to the free services of BlogSpot after leaving for WordPress and defaulting on my fees for hosting. 

Not sure what I might have to say here yet.  But I needed my outlet back, and I've missed blogging.  Hope my subscribers are well, and say hi back if you get a minute to let me know you're still with me :)

Thanks for being here.

A Gift For You

Today is my birthday.

I want to share some of my favorite quotes with you, in an effort not only to be transparent about what moves and inspires and touches my heart, but as a gift back to you for being wonderful readers and commenters and friends. I'm so grateful for you.

"What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us."

~ Helen Keller

"I have noticed that if you look carefully at people’s eyes the first five seconds they look at you, the truth of their feelings will shine through for just an instant before it flickers away."

~ from “The Secret Life of Bees” by Sue Monk Kidd

"I will love you always. When this red hair is white, I will still love you. When the smooth softness of youth is replaced by the delicate softness of age, I will still want to touch your skin. When your face is full of the lines of every smile you have ever smiled, of every surprise I have seen flash through your eyes, when every tear you have ever cried has left its mark upon your face, I will treasure you all the more, because I was there to see it all. I will share your life with you, and I will love you until the last breath leaves your body or mine."

~ from “A Lick of Frost” by Laurell K. Hamilton

"The truth is, in order to heal we need to tell our stories and have them witnessed. The story itself becomes a vessel that holds us up, that sustains, that allows us to order our jumbled experiences into meaning. As I told my stories of fear, awakening, struggle, and transformation and had them received, heard, and validated by other women, I found healing. I also needed to hear other women’s stories in order to see and embrace my own. Sometimes another woman’s story becomes a mirror that shows me a self I haven’t seen before. When I listen to her tell it, her experience quickens and clarifies my own. Her questions rouse mine. Her conflicts illumine my conflicts. Her resolutions call forth my hope. Her strengths summon my strengths. All of this can happen even when our stories and our lives are very different."

~Sue Monk Kidd

"Have compassion for everyone you meet, even if they don’t want it. What appears bad manners, an ill temper or cynicism is always a sign of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen. You do not know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone."

~Miller Williams

“When peoples care for you and cry for you, they can straighten out your soul.”

~Langston Hughes

"That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time."

~from the movie "Never Been Kissed"

"I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."

~Elizabeth Gilbert

"Love is like a friendship caught on fire: In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable."

~Bruce Lee

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love."

~Washington Irving

"Lips that taste of tears, they say, are the best for kissing."

~ Dorothy Parker

"Who then can so softly bind up the wound of another as he who has felt the same wound himself?"

~ Thomas Jefferson

"Music is the medicine of the breaking heart."

~Leigh Hunt

"So she poured out the liquid music of her voice to quench the thirst of his spirit."

~Nathaniel Hawthorne

“A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.”

~George Jean Nathan

"Compassion is sometimes the fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else`s skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too."

~Frederick Buechner

"The singer has everything within him. The notes come out from his

very life. They are not materials gathered from outside."

~Rabindranath Tagore

"Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway."

~Emory Austin

"Music is always happening, and sometimes you get to touch it for a while, and when you do, you know that everything’s connected to everything else."

~ from “The Memory Keeper’s Daughter” by Kim Edwards

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, knowing struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

~ Elizabeth Kubler Ross

“Walk with me

through the rain

on a moonlit night

let it cleanse our souls

of broken dreams

so we may begin anew

in each other’s arms”

~Ranee Dillon

"Could it ever be

that you would love me deeply

as in my heart's dream?"

~Amy Kiel

"Falling in love is like jumping off a really tall building. your brain tells you it's not a good idea, but your heart tells you that you can fly."

~ Unknown

"When you start to know someone, all their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize the scent of their skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant."

~Unknown

“When our minds are no longer fragmented by the illusion of our separation from each other, but healed by the truth of our oneness, we are awakened to a new dimension of compassion” ~Marianne Williamson”

"It’s easy to look at people and make quick judgments about them, their present and their past, but you’d be amazed at the pain and tears a single smile hides. What a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. And more often then not, it’s lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their soul.”

~Sherrilyn Kenyon

"Only after disaster can we be resurrected"

~ Unknown

"To the people who love you, you are beautiful already. This is not because they’re blind to your shortcomings but because they so clearly see your soul. Your shortcomings then dim by comparison. The people who care about you are willing to let you be imperfect and beautiful, too."

~Victoria Moran

love makes your soul crawl out from it's hiding place

I think I had a much clearer picture of friendship when I was in high school than I have had as an adult. In high school, my friends and I shared a lot of common experiences, we were growing up, dealing with bullies, breakups, and all sorts of "real" experiences on a daily basis. I think we talked more about things that mattered. And I think we were not as good at masking our emotions back then, either.

Once I graduated from high school, I started having some not-so-shareable experiences, ones I was ashamed of. And over the years, I started hiding from other people. I was so concerned about what other people would think if they knew the truth about me, that I stopped looking for the truth in other people, too. My authenticity went away. My ability to listen and really hear, to be perceptive about other people's emotions, my willingness to give of my heart to others in real compassion.. it was no longer a part of me.

But about two years ago, when my well-crafted suburban wife and mom facade started to crumble, I faced the fact that I needed to get real. I needed to start talking about what was going on inside, and what I was going to do with it.

I had two intense emotional experiences, almost back to back, that re-introduced me to the person I used to be and that gave me the courage to be that person again, without fear or shame.

The first moment that led to the facade crumbling was the night I had to pull over to the side of the interstate because I was crying so hard that I couldn't see to drive. I had become so callous and withdrawn that I had been unable to do more than tear up and get misty eyed for several years, and the fact that I had to pull over was a shock to me. My heart was broken wide open, and I was crying on behalf of a friend of mine, listening to a song that had great significance to their story. I had been let all the way inside and trusted with the background of darkness, self-hatred, loneliness, and isolation to know that the lyrics were autobiographical. Finding myself, forehead resting on my wrists, sobbing on the side of the road for pain that wasn't even mine was a crystallized moment in time that I may never forget.

It was not only important for my sense of compassion and empathy, but also because after that night, I was able to feel my own pain. I hadn't realized that I was in that same place. I had been so depressed, isolated, lonely, and hopeless that my friend's pain resonated to the point of shocking me into wakefulness. It was just that so much rage had been clouding what was really going on inside.

The second moment was actually a combination of experiences that happened at the Blissdom blogging conference in 2010. I had been active on Twitter and in commenting on blogs for about 8 months before I attended the conference. I had a number of online friends that I was hoping to see, some for the first time. I was completely overwhelmed at the reaction my friends had to seeing me. There was so much genuine happiness and joy coming my direction that I actually retreated to my hotel room and cried. Again with the tears. I felt like a scar was being ripped open, and I laid on my bed, suddenly realizing that there used to be people that reacted to seeing me in that way. There was a time in my life where those reactions were part of my everyday life. And it was because I was being myself. Because I was allowing other people to really know me. These online friends... they knew my heart because of the transparent way I write. And they had made me believe that they really cared about me.. not just online, but now they had done it in person.

I spent time during that conference listening to Alli Worthington drive home the message of authenticity, and how the best writing we do is always from our hearts. She encouraged us to write authentically, and in doing so we could create a community of people who want to connect with us because of who we are and how we write.

And that's when I met Jana. She was the first friend I met after I decided I was going to open my heart up and be who I am again.

We spent 15 hours straight together on the last day of the conference. We attended sessions and whispered and giggled during them like a couple of teenage girls. We sat together at lunch. We skipped a session or two in the afternoon and connected over expectations of others, having to hide who we are and the things we had experienced, over autism and aspergers and motherhood, and love. We walked around the hotel, getting lost and making sarcastic remarks and finishing each others sentences.. we laughed so hard we couldn't breathe.

And over sushi that night, my new friend Jana said something that stunned me. Her words affected me deeply, all the way down inside my soul, where the real me comes from.

She said "I feel like there's nothing I could ever do to make you not love me and accept me"

I had been able to get across to this new friend, in the space of the first 15 hours we had spent together, that I loved her unconditionally.

That scar that I felt like had been ripped open by feeling accepted for the first time in years? Jana, by speaking honestly and transparently to me, about me, healed that pain. I had spent the weekend feeling open and exposed in a way I hadn't in a long time. But I felt validated, accepted, and most of all, successful, in being who I am. There are literally no words to express how grateful I am for that, Jana. I love you.

Through those two experiences, and in more of that kind since then, I realized that when I'm living, interacting, loving from that place down deep inside... I can give my friends that confidence in my love and acceptance of them. They know, really really know that I care about them.. that what they think and how they feel are important to me. That I love them and will always accept them for who they are.

When I'm brave and authentically connecting with other people, they are willing to give me the gift of their real self, too. Having the privilege of hearing other people's stories is incredibly humbling. Being trusted with the dark and ugly, with fear and weakness, with insecurity, loneliness, and pain. It's so much richer and deeper than anything I've felt in the last 15 years of my life.

It's the kind of emotional connection I remember having before the first time someone broke my heart. When I stopped trusting, when I stopped letting people in. It's called security.

Thank you, not just to the two friends I mentioned in my post, but to my readers who have reached out and accepted me despite the darkness and sporadic posting. Thank you for the courage you inspire, for the words of affirmation you give, and for the gift of your friendship.

Love makes your soul crawl out from it's hiding place ~ Zora Neale Hurston

Author's Note: This post was inspired in part by a post on depression that Kate Sluiter published this week. It included the song I broke down to while I was driving, and took me right back to that fragile place I was that night, feeling raw on behalf of someone I care about. Thank you, Kate, for sharing your heart so openly, and for inspiring me to write today.

Also, I wrote about my initial impressions of Blissdom 10 here (on my old, abandoned blog), and there are pictures of so many women who have become friends of mine. I linked their Twitter handles and would encourage you to follow all of them if you don't already.