World Mental Health Day: Invisible Illness Doesn't Mean It's All In My Head

Today is World Mental Health Day. Yes it needs a day of increased awareness. Because too many people still think mental illness is something that should be hidden away in the attic and is something that only happens to other people.

I was first diagnosed with anxiety in 5th grade. I was 12.

I was not really taken seriously, I was actually given a placebo rather than actual medication, but it was the first time it was noticeable enough to investigate. Depression followed with the start of puberty. It has been a struggle for my whole life. Some of the people I love most in the world also live with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and other mental illnesses. 

Many people believe mental illnesses are "imaginary illnesses" for the entitled special snowflakes that aren't strong enough to cope with normal life. That anxiety and depression are easy to "positive mental attitude" your way out of. That how they feel is a choice, and "be happy" and "don't worry" should be easy, just flip a switch. There are others who think that anxiety and depression show a lack of trust in God, so not only are you weak, so is your faith, and God is not happy with you, either. 

Clearly these viewpoints are not helpful and they are also untrue. 





Statements like the above ring true for those of us with depression. "Everyone else" seems to have it all together and their life is easy. Meanwhile, we are struggling to function. Surviving. Not living. And we don't know what's wrong with us that makes living so hard. 

Having and admitting mental illness continues to be judged as weakness. It is not weak. It is really really F@*cking hard to pretend everything is fine when you were awake half the night contemplating how much better off everyone would be if you just didn't exist. It's exhausting to be flooded with adrenaline and cortisol all day every day because your brain chemistry affects your body chemistry, that fight or flight is a constant state of being and not just reserved for near miss car accidents.

My oldest daughter lives with anxiety and depression. She is chronically exhausted, her muscles ache from tension because of that constant state of being on alert. She has what I would consider classic panic attacks as well as that consistently keyed up state of existing. She has worked so hard to find ways of coping and has written both publicly and privately about her struggles. I'm very proud of her for her strength and courage and fighting spirit. She inspires me all the time. 

While it's true that there are situations that arise that will trigger my depression or anxiety, very often it is out of nowhere. My brain chemistry suddenly changes and thoughts wash over me

I will be having a perfectly normal Tuesday. Sun shining, work is not stressing me out, the kids are healthy, everything is good.  And then, BAM, a black hole opens up under me.  

The first time I saw this picture, it hit me straight in the gut, and its the one image that came to mind when I knew I wanted to write today.

It is quite possibly the most accurate visual I could give you. The person in the picture begins bleeding, and they don't know why.  It worsens, there are more cuts. They say "but I did everything right!" 

"So why am I bleeding out?  Why am I falling apart?  Nothing is even wrong!"

I'm fighting the negativity, I'm replacing lies my brain is telling me with positive thoughts. Im keeping toxic relationships from hurting me. Im eating right, im exercising, I'm getting rest and drinking water and avoiding alcohol, I'm doing self care...


SO WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??

My daughter Grace adds: Especially as a high school student, suffering from anxiety and depression this picture is oh so very poignant. Balancing schoolwork, college applications, a job, and leave some random room for family drama(my favorite!), and you may feel as if everything is falling apart--and you have no idea what to do. 

More often than not, throughout a regular school day, my anxiety will peak at least 3 times. Hyperventilation, intrusive thoughts, the whole shebang! 

This is not something that's pretty, or that should be romanticized. It's a real thing, that real people struggle with.

Both of us want to tell those of you reading this post who live with menttal illness: you are brave and amazing. You are courageous and we admire your tenacity. You're not being targeted by karma, you're not weak,  it's not happening because you don't deserve to be happy. Be gentle with yourself. Reach out to someone you know is safe if you feel up to it. Distract, read, listen to music, write, whatever works for you to hold on until your emotions stabilize again. 
 
We care about you. We are here for you. You are not alone. 

Thank you for reading.