Stepping away from the familiar stench of cigarettes and single bachelor living, I know this has to be the last time.
I am weary of being bound to him. I am tired of feeling like his prostitute.
I am weary of being bound to him. I am tired of feeling like his prostitute.
I get into my car and slam the door. I grab the steering wheel and say out loud, "That's it. I'm finished. He takes too much from me."
I pass the hospital, and look back at his apartment one last time. A shudder jolts me.
Inside, what resonates is: "He owns too much of your soul".
Filled with disgust, I throw the car into gear and stomp on the gas. I glare out the windshield as I drive down 9th Street, wrenching the steering wheel hard to the right and squealing around the corner.
"How am I ever going to get away from here if I don't take back my self worth?" I say to myself.
I pass the hospital, and look back at his apartment one last time. A shudder jolts me.
No more. No matter what.
Turning north onto 12th Street, I mentally test the waters of my newly claimed independence.
Turning north onto 12th Street, I mentally test the waters of my newly claimed independence.
I'm really going to get off this Tilt-A Whirl. No more mind control. No more guilt chaining me to him. No more shame about my body. I'm done.
The doubt starts creeping in before I even hit Chestnut. Wow, four whole blocks of optimism.
Inside, I hear "This is not going to be easy. Is it worth it? You've tried to leave before, and you couldn't do it. Why is it different this time?"
My mind starts to spin, and I panic.. "What if he...?", "How will I...?" "Who will ever want to..?"
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know how. I don't know what will make it different. But it has to be different from now on. This is where it stops.
I slam my head into the headrest, eyes narrowed, angry at myself. At him. At how sick this relationship has become.
All of a sudden, there is peace. The realization that I just made a decision. It's really going to stop. Right now. And I'm going to make it stop. I think this feeling is called determination. It's new.
I tell myself, it's okay that I don't know the answers. I am okay with not knowing how I'm going to get through this. I don't know where I will find the courage to stand and defend myself if I have to. God, I don't even know who I am, apart from him.
But what I do know? I'm not ever going to come again when he calls.
Posts
Oh hon - this is incredible. I love you for this.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Tracy. This was the morning of January 5, 1994. And sadly, also sort of now, thus why it came to the surface to be written.
ReplyDeleteWonderful!!! I have been in that position - I know how hard it is to "break the ties that bind," so to speak. But the rewards? Incredible.. and so, so worth it.
ReplyDeleteThis is so powerful.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty. I didn't realize this was 1994. Sometimes journeys take a long time, but the good news? If you keep putting one foot in front of the other, eventually, you arrive.
You're arriving. And it's beautiful.
-Ellie
I like what Ellie said.... <3
ReplyDeleteSometimes the hardest things in life are what define us the most. And I know it was hard to leaven even though it was the best thing.
ReplyDeleteWhat a powerful post, Jenna.
ReplyDeleteI've been there...I've made that decision.
One of the best decisions of my life.
I've also made decisions like that. More than once. Sometimes they were harder than others...but they were never easy. Nonetheless? There was always such a weight lifted from my shoulders...such a feeling of lightness afterward. That always made it easier to navigate the "what if"s and "not knowing."
ReplyDelete-visiting from the Red Dress Club linkup :)
I have totally been in that position before too. When you finally decide enough is enough and make a resolution. It is probably one of the most powerful things you can do— deem something OVER.
ReplyDeleteBravo - I, too have been there, it's a long hard road, even today, 10 years after getting married to someone else - he still floats through my mind. Very well written, thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteYou have brilliantly captured that moment. That moment when you walk out and are certain beyond all doubt that you can take no more. And then, the further you get, the fear sets in. Brilliant. Just... brilliant. Thank you for writing this.
ReplyDeleteThis is so fabulously honest and I agree with hastaclaridad that 'you have brilliantly captured that moment'! I could hear myself chanting, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" in my head and anything that gets me chanting in my head is written wondefully!
ReplyDeleteI also scrolled down and remembered seeing your RemembeRED piece from last week which I enjoyed too. So glad I came back! :>
Like many of those who have commented, I've been there too. You describe the moment perfectly. I love the honesty with which you write it. Great decision. Great post.
ReplyDeleteGood for you! Yes, it's hard. But the rewards are so worth it.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written. Although a painful moment, I was also cheering you on through the journey. The way you used the street names to create timing in the moment was brilliant.
ReplyDeleteThis was amazing. Like seriously amazing. I could picture every single moment as if I was in the car next to you. I could feel the moment of doubt and when you decided you were done? I cheered for you.
ReplyDeleteVisiting from TRDC.
So incredible. I had an unhealthy relationship that finally ended LONG after it should have. We found each other on Facebook last year - 15 years after I'd last seen him. It was crazy, we're both married with kids, but I got butterflies. We met for lunch to catch up, and it was the best decision because there was always that nagging part of me that wondered about him. Not that I don't love my husband or would want to go back to my ex. Just curiosity I guess. Now I know. And I closed that chapter of my life for good. With a big, fat padlock.
ReplyDeleteYour comments are so sweet, and I'm so grateful for them. Thank you. I love the memoir linkups, learning about everyone, and seeing how uniquely we all express ourselves and tell our stories.
ReplyDeleteSimple applause for standing up and staying strong. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is so powerfully written. Whether 1994 or now, you have the strength to move on.
ReplyDeleteCheering for you!!
ReplyDeleteWonderfully written.
ReplyDeleteTotally relatable.
Fantastic.
ReplyDeleteGood. For. YOU.
Came by from TRDC...
Amazing. I so totally have had my share of those moments. You portrayed them so well.
ReplyDeleteWalking away is one of the hardest things to do. Ever. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteSee, now? You made the prompt work for you in exquisite fashion. I know this was a difficult post for you. Very brave, babe.
ReplyDeleteVery brave and very well done.
Kris
Love the strength your character shows. Great writing.
ReplyDeleteSO glad the peace, the self-knowledge, and the chutzpah carried you through to better things.
ReplyDeleteThat you're here, writing it, sharing it, speaks volumes!
You're a strong person for doing what had to be done.
ReplyDeleteFor doing what was right for you to have the life you deserve.
You were brave. And are in a better place for it.
I don't even know what to say, this is so good. I felt like I was in the car with you and I even felt the intensity of that moment.
ReplyDeleteBeen there, and done that, it's the hardest thing in the world, but the best thing in the long run! What a powerful and emotional post!
ReplyDeleteI can feel the anxiety through your words. I'm so glad you made it out. You're a survivor and a strong woman. Even if you don't believe it.
ReplyDeleteIf I had a dime for every shitty boyfriend...
ReplyDeleteThis was really moving.