It Depends On The Day

This week we were asked to write a piece about something ugly - and finding the beauty in it.

On a Bad Day

When I look in the mirror

I see

ugly

I see hair that should not be so grey

that easily adds ten years

to my age

I see a face that reveals

years of endurance and pain

dark circles from insomnia

and being up with children

night after night after night

I see a body

that by any Western standard

is ugly

That looks every bit

as if it has carried and birthed

four children

and reveals that I do not take

care of myself

I see eyes that disclose

obvious emotional pain

I see fear in them,

and self hatred

Behind the eyes, the ugly continues:

My life is a disaster.

I can't provide for my kids on my own

My ex still controls so much of my life

Who is ever going to want to be with me

Especially when I look like this

I am an emotional wreck

On A Good Day

When I look in the mirror

I see

beautiful

I see rich, dark brown hair

with copper highlights

that remind me of my father's beard

that he wore when I was a little girl

I see a face that

is fair and unscarred

years of protecting it from the sun

and taking care of it morning and evening

reveal more girlish freckles than wrinkles

I see a body

that is healthy and strong

and always has been.

That while it fights

age, gravity, and the tendency to

hold on to baby weight,

has never experienced chronic pain

or battled with disease.

It has carried, birthed, and nurtured

four children

Leaving in its wake

extra skin and stretch marks

that many women

who long for a child

would take joy in possessing

I see eyes that

are kind

and have a beautiful dark green ring

I see in them genuine concern for others

and the perspective and compassion

that comes from experience

Behind the eyes, I hear affirmation:

My life is a series of experiences

that make me strong

I have extra time with my children right now

I give them affection, validation, and encouragement

In the present trial, am learning to be assertive and emotionally healthy

One day I will be unconditionally loved and supported

Accepted for my physical imperfections

And because of

not in spite of

the beauty that comes from brokenness

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This way this post is written is inspired by a post from jurgen_nation that continues to rattle around in my head, weeks later. When her site comes up off maintenance, I will link it. The content of the post is inspired by my friend GalitBreen and her #trdc post Ugly Beauty as well as some reflecting and writing I did yesterday on the subject of Self Hatred and Depression posted on my personal blog.